When I invited Tim to live with me for the week, I didn’t expect him to be as wild as he was. I’ve had a lot of spiders over before — some stayed a night, some stuck around for a few days — but none of them did what Tim did.
The morning after our burger night, I woke up to the smell of bacon and eggs cooking. For a second, I thought, Wow, Tim’s a real one. I figured he was just downstairs making breakfast as a thank you. So I got out of bed, brushed my teeth, threw on some clean clothes, and headed down to the kitchen.
What I saw next didn’t feel real.
There was Tim — still going by Justin at the time — in the middle of the kitchen, fighting a full-on venom monster. I just froze and yelled, “Justin! What is going on?!”
Now, I hadn’t seen a venom monster in years, and the one I remembered was smaller. Calmer, too. But this one? This one was furious. Way more aggressive. I don’t know what ticked it off, but I remembered something I read in the Venom Prevention Guide — classical music messes with their system. Something about the vibrations. It’s the only known way to lure them out of a house.
So I told Justin, “Hold on,” and sprinted upstairs to grab a speaker.
By the time I got back down, Tim was backed into a corner. I hit play on some Mozart, and instantly the monster locked eyes on me. It sprinted forward, and I ran straight for the door. But of course, the door lock was broken — something I was supposed to fix three weeks ago but didn’t because I kept inviting spiders over instead.
The monster was closing in, and honestly? I panicked. I thought that was it. Game over.
But right at the last second, Tim flew across the room, squeezed into the lock mechanism, and popped it open from the inside. I flung the door open and hurled the speaker out into the yard. The venom monster blew right past us and chased it out the door.
I slammed the door shut and turned to Tim. “Are you okay?”
He nodded and said he was sorry — apparently, he didn’t know that burning four pieces of bacon at once has a 25% chance of summoning a venom monster. He was just trying to make me breakfast as a thank you. He’d been multitasking — eggs, bacon, sausages, pancakes, even waffles.
A few minutes later, I saw him heading upstairs to pack his stuff. He figured I was going to kick him out.
And honestly… yeah, no other spider had ever spawned a venom monster in my kitchen before. But also, no other spider had ever tried to make me breakfast either. So I went up and said, “Justin, you can stay as long as you want. I mean yeah, you almost destroyed the house — but you also tried to make me breakfast. That counts for something.”
He didn’t say anything at first, but I saw this small smile creep across his face. It was like he wasn’t used to people giving him that kind of grace. He unpacked his stuff and came back downstairs to finish cooking.
As he headed down, I called out, “Yo, bro — don’t burn the eggs. If you summon the egg monster, we’re toast. Literally.”
I heard him laughing as he disappeared into the kitchen.
Up to that point, it was easily the craziest Tim story I had.
Until three days later, when he threw a party without telling me.
But that’s a story for another time…
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