So one random morning, me and Tim woke up to weird noises coming from downstairs.
It sounded like some wild animal was tearing through our stuff.
Now, if you know anything about our house, you already know — if we hear random sounds, it’s never normal. Something crazy is definitely happening.
And unfortunately… it was my day to check it out.
You see, me and Tim have this system. Since weird stuff happens here all the time, we take turns dealing with it. Every two days, it’s someone’s job to go check the noise, fight the monster, or figure out whatever cursed situation we’re in.
And today? Yeah. It was my turn.
So I grabbed my baseball bat — the one I got from Derek Jeter (story for another time) — and crept downstairs.
What I saw made me stop cold.
A Titanoboa.
Yes — the giant prehistoric snake. Just chilling in the living room.
Now, you might have a few questions:
How do I know what a Titanoboa looks like? Easy. I live in this house. I’ve memorized every dinosaur and mythological creature just to survive here.
What was it doing in my house? No clue. I’ve said it before — this house is basically on permanent Jumanji mode. Maybe it’s because me and Tim never finished the game. Who knows?
All I knew was: I’m terrified of snakes.
So I dropped the bat and ran straight back upstairs.
I burst into Tim’s room, panting, and told him what I saw.
And this guy…
He casually goes, “Did he have red eyes?”
I said, “Yeah?”
He nods and goes, “Oh bro — that’s Jerry. I invited him. He’s chill. Must’ve showed up early and let himself in.”
I stared at him like — WHAT?
Who just lets themselves into someone else’s house?!
But whatever. At least I didn’t have to fight a giant snake today.
So we both went downstairs, and sure enough, Jerry was just hanging out.
Turns out… dude’s a total vibe. Real polite. Loves basketball. Huge Lakers fan.
We all sat down and watched the Lakers vs. Celtics game together like it was a regular afternoon.
Later, I made dinner for everyone — just threw a chicken in the oven.
And then I remembered — I hadn’t posted anything today. And at the end of the day, I am a content creator.
So I pulled out my phone, started filming the chicken, and told the camera,
“This is dinner for my new pet snake, Jerry.”
Then I panned the camera to the very visible outline of the dog he ate earlier — you could still see the imprint in his stomach.
After dinner, Jerry thanked us for having him over and headed home to his wife and kids.
And honestly, it was a chill day.
Haven’t had one of those since that time I played that one KSI song…
But that’s a story for another time….
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